Inevitability. Brokenness creeps inside like a midnight robber;
unexpected and determined. At one point or another we all experience some level
of this despair. I don't know about you, but often times I feel like I'm the
only one who's broken. I look around and see others holding strong to their
faith. What's wrong with me? Am I truly even a child of God? I guess if I was I
wouldn't be hurting as much as I do. FALSE. Something I've realized with my
recent struggles is the unrealistic expectation that we're all called to be
perfect; in no way whatsoever can we EVER show weakness. Well - being that I
have a bit of a defiant side, I'm going against that standard; I'm breaking the
"status quo" if you will. Please bear with me as I share with you a
bit of who I am. This of course isn't all of me, rather my "cross to bear"
I guess you could say. This isn't easy, in fact, it's a bit scary; seeing as
though I've never really gotten in depth about these issues and yet here I am,
on my first public blog ever, spilling my heart out before you. I hope my story
along with the reflections to follow will empower you to join me in this bold
movement. A movement to "be we".
Food petrifies me. The thought of eating anything and risking even the
slightest possibility of gaining weight sets my mind and body into a panic; my
heart starts racing and my breath grows more rapid. There are mornings where I
dread stepping out of bed because I know (1) I have to face the world and (2)
at some point during the day I'll have to eat. As I go throughout my day, I'm
constantly racking my brain on what I should and should not consume come meal
time. Food literally takes up my entire being all day. It gets to a point where
I begin to feel crazy. It's even gotten as far as what and what not to drink. I
truly believe that I have made myself ugly, that I have taken God's original
creation and ruined it. Sometimes, I'll stand naked in front of the mirror and
punch myself repeatedly in the stomach or thighs and repeat (excuse my language
for a moment) "you fat ass. Look at what you've done to yourself. No guy
is going to want you. You’ve ruined yourself. You dumb pig. You’re an overfed
animal. Just stop eating." I've taken laxatives, tried not eating, and
once I've stuck my fingers down my throat - although I choked on the vomit so I
haven't done it again since. Aside from all of this, I terrorize myself in
regards to dating too. I walk around feeling as though no guy ever notices me.
The fact that I've settled for unhealthy relationships in the past haven't
helped much either. I've convinced myself that I'll be alone for the rest of my
life. That there's no way God could ever or would ever provide me with a strong
man. I talk myself out of even the possibility of a guy being remotely
interested in me. That feels pretty lonely pretty quickly. While this all
sounds like a pity party, it's a huge chunk of what I carry with me throughout
my days. It all beats me down until the energy in me deteriorates and I really
don't care about anything anymore. Please remember - this isn't easy for me to
share, and I am not sharing it to receive any compliments. I'm through with
hiding. It's time I lay it all out on the line for the hearts of others. If my
pain brings you even the slightest comfort, even if it just gets you through
the night, then I pray that God intensify it. His perfection is shown through
the struggles in our lives.
It’s incredible when God blatantly answers a prayer, or shows us His
awareness of our struggle(s). The abundance of joy and excitement is so
overwhelming that it can’t be put into words. But what about those times when
we feel nothing at all? We pray and we pray and we pray – yet - nothing. From
time to time, we go through those hardships where God seems so distant; then we
just kinda push past them without ever once encountering God during the
process. Our faith doesn’t really seem to come in handy and our God is nowhere
to be found. I thought He promised that He’d always be there? Shouldn’t He have
been here by now then? I recently attended a student lead worship service here at
my University where one of our own preached. He made the statement, “Jesus has
already won the battle, but you still gotta play the game.” He compared this
concept with our women’s basketball team. Their season line – up was pretty simple;
it presented an easy win. Even though they knew winning for them was certain, they
still had to play the game. Why? Because without the action there’d be no
lesson. Without the game, there’d be no gain. If they were to forfeit then they’d
lose. The same goes for each of us. Without the hardship, there’d be no gain. Jesus
has already won our battles, so even if we don’t feel Him through them we can
be confident that we’ll come out triumphant in the end – because He has already
succeeded EVERYTHING.
So what does any of
this have to do with being open and boldly sharing our struggles? 2 Corinthians
12:9 – “But he said to me, “My grace is
sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will
boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest
on me.” That’s what. In boasting about our weaknesses, boast meaning publicly
proclaiming, we’re not only allowing our stories to reach and touch the hearts
of others, but we’re also inviting Christ’s power to lay heavy on our souls;
for we’re admitting that we are weak and we need Him. PLEASE don’t be afraid to
share yourselves with others. Sure, you’ll probably be ridiculed every now and
again, but remember, they persecuted Him first. Be you. Be we.
Live Beautifully,
Sarah Ann
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