Sirens (Psalm 139)

            I remember as a little girl holding my ears and crying every time I heard sirens. Their volume terrified me. I hated how loud they were and I still do. There’s just something about their roaring that sends a pang to my gut and stirs fear inside me. Not really sure why; it just happens. I guess it’s the chaotic scream fueling from their depths that makes me uncomfortable; and at 22, I’m realizing how similar life can be to sirens. You’re constantly told who to be; what to wear, who to date, what you should look like, and so on. Sometimes I envision myself in an abandoned cabin on top of a secluded mountain just sitting; not doing anything but sitting and listening to silence. These voices grow so loud it’s deafening, and just like I’d do with the sirens, I wish I could plug my ears and drown them out. I can honestly say, because of these voices…. I have no idea who I am.

            Sure, I’m Sarah. I can sing. I love to write. Most of all, I love my Jesus. But aside from all of that, I’m always asking myself, “Who am I?” What’s amazing to me is how I turn to others and ask them. These voices that I’m trying to drown out are the same voices I’m turning to for answers. They’ve left me dependent and confused. No, I’m not blaming them – I certainly hold responsibility. But what do you do when certain things have been drilled into your head for so long and now you’re in a wrestling match with them? It almost feels as though you’re betraying yourself, even though you don’t agree with what you’re turning your back on. It’s also very lonely. Think about it; who do you spend the most time with? YOU of course. So if you’re not even sure of whom you are, then are you really spending time with anybody? Very philosophical, I know. This is where we get to the pit. The bottom of that dry well if you will.

            Psalm 139 is in my opinion one of the most beautiful Psalms ever written. It talks about God’s infinite knowledge of who you are. Here’s a little snippet, but if you haven’t read the whole thing, I highly, highly encourage you to do so.

Psalm 139: 1-5

“¹You have searched me Lord, and you know me. ²You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. ³You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. ⁴Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. ⁵You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me...” (NIV)

First off, what’s incredible to me is that the maker of this entire universe – the same being who placed the stars in the sky and formed those big ol’ mountains we gawk at – knows EVERYTHING about me and you. But since we’re talking about identity crisis here, I want to zone in on verse 4 above – “Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely.” Now this entire Psalm proclaims how familiar The Lord is with us. I mean obviously He would be, considering He’s the one who made us. But what strikes me is how He knows me so well to the point where He knows exactly what I’m going to say not only before I say it, but before I even know I’m going to say it. So even in the depths of our ignorance, feeling as though we may never discover our true identities, The Lord knows full well who we are.

Matthew 6:21

“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

            We yearn for acceptance, for approval; our problem is where we’re searching. Now don’t use this as an excuse to be inconsiderate or irresponsible – please don’t walk away thinking that that’s where I’m headed. The point I’m trying to make is this: The Lord created your inmost being and longs to be your treasure. Let Him be. Give Him your full attention, and trust that His plans are to give you a hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:13

“You will seek me and you will find me when you seek me with all of your heart.”

            Your heart was created to search for the One who created it. He is where you will find your identity.

I promise.  

Be you. Be we.

Live Beautifully,

Sarah Ann 

Brokenness (2 Corinthians 12:9)

     Inevitability. Brokenness creeps inside like a midnight robber; unexpected and determined. At one point or another we all experience some level of this despair. I don't know about you, but often times I feel like I'm the only one who's broken. I look around and see others holding strong to their faith. What's wrong with me? Am I truly even a child of God? I guess if I was I wouldn't be hurting as much as I do. FALSE. Something I've realized with my recent struggles is the unrealistic expectation that we're all called to be perfect; in no way whatsoever can we EVER show weakness. Well - being that I have a bit of a defiant side, I'm going against that standard; I'm breaking the "status quo" if you will. Please bear with me as I share with you a bit of who I am. This of course isn't all of me, rather my "cross to bear" I guess you could say. This isn't easy, in fact, it's a bit scary; seeing as though I've never really gotten in depth about these issues and yet here I am, on my first public blog ever, spilling my heart out before you. I hope my story along with the reflections to follow will empower you to join me in this bold movement. A movement to "be we".

      Food petrifies me. The thought of eating anything and risking even the slightest possibility of gaining weight sets my mind and body into a panic; my heart starts racing and my breath grows more rapid. There are mornings where I dread stepping out of bed because I know (1) I have to face the world and (2) at some point during the day I'll have to eat. As I go throughout my day, I'm constantly racking my brain on what I should and should not consume come meal time. Food literally takes up my entire being all day. It gets to a point where I begin to feel crazy. It's even gotten as far as what and what not to drink. I truly believe that I have made myself ugly, that I have taken God's original creation and ruined it. Sometimes, I'll stand naked in front of the mirror and punch myself repeatedly in the stomach or thighs and repeat (excuse my language for a moment) "you fat ass. Look at what you've done to yourself. No guy is going to want you. You’ve ruined yourself. You dumb pig. You’re an overfed animal. Just stop eating." I've taken laxatives, tried not eating, and once I've stuck my fingers down my throat - although I choked on the vomit so I haven't done it again since. Aside from all of this, I terrorize myself in regards to dating too. I walk around feeling as though no guy ever notices me. The fact that I've settled for unhealthy relationships in the past haven't helped much either. I've convinced myself that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. That there's no way God could ever or would ever provide me with a strong man. I talk myself out of even the possibility of a guy being remotely interested in me. That feels pretty lonely pretty quickly. While this all sounds like a pity party, it's a huge chunk of what I carry with me throughout my days. It all beats me down until the energy in me deteriorates and I really don't care about anything anymore. Please remember - this isn't easy for me to share, and I am not sharing it to receive any compliments. I'm through with hiding. It's time I lay it all out on the line for the hearts of others. If my pain brings you even the slightest comfort, even if it just gets you through the night, then I pray that God intensify it. His perfection is shown through the struggles in our lives. 

     It’s incredible when God blatantly answers a prayer, or shows us His awareness of our struggle(s). The abundance of joy and excitement is so overwhelming that it can’t be put into words. But what about those times when we feel nothing at all? We pray and we pray and we pray – yet - nothing. From time to time, we go through those hardships where God seems so distant; then we just kinda push past them without ever once encountering God during the process. Our faith doesn’t really seem to come in handy and our God is nowhere to be found. I thought He promised that He’d always be there? Shouldn’t He have been here by now then? I recently attended a student lead worship service here at my University where one of our own preached. He made the statement, “Jesus has already won the battle, but you still gotta play the game.” He compared this concept with our women’s basketball team. Their season line – up was pretty simple; it presented an easy win. Even though they knew winning for them was certain, they still had to play the game. Why? Because without the action there’d be no lesson. Without the game, there’d be no gain. If they were to forfeit then they’d lose. The same goes for each of us. Without the hardship, there’d be no gain. Jesus has already won our battles, so even if we don’t feel Him through them we can be confident that we’ll come out triumphant in the end – because He has already succeeded EVERYTHING.

          So what does any of this have to do with being open and boldly sharing our struggles? 2 Corinthians 12:9 – “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” That’s what. In boasting about our weaknesses, boast meaning publicly proclaiming, we’re not only allowing our stories to reach and touch the hearts of others, but we’re also inviting Christ’s power to lay heavy on our souls; for we’re admitting that we are weak and we need Him. PLEASE don’t be afraid to share yourselves with others. Sure, you’ll probably be ridiculed every now and again, but remember, they persecuted Him first. Be you. Be we.

Live Beautifully,

Sarah Ann